A First For Me

I have a lot going on right now. As you can maybe imagine moving to a new country will provide a long list of things to get done. I have always had a lot of balls in the air, but have managed very well to juggle them all and maintain some sanity. This week however I finally lost the sanity aspect of the whole thing.
The balls I was juggling started becoming more numerous. Then they seemed to be getting heavier and harder to keep up with. Then finally out of nowhere they suddenly turned into chainsaws that someone saw fit to light on fire.
I am still waiting for my immigration paperwork, that thought alone is constantly on my mind. Things at work are as hectic as ever. On top of those main worries was our yard sale. We spent the entire week moving all of our belongings into piles of sell, trash, and keep. I had been really stressing about the yard sale. My main fears being are we going to be stuck with a bunch of things that we will have to panic to try and get rid of at the last moment, and what if we sell everything right now and have nothing to use for the next two months. The two fears I was having about the yard sale directly conflicted with each other. I think that was what triggered my meltdown. Yep, I said it. I had a meltdown!
This was a meltdown of epic proportions. I stated before that I felt like I was juggling flaming chainsaws and that is in no way an exaggeration. My brain would not focus, my thoughts were like a kaleidoscope. Except that the beautiful colors a kaleidoscope gives were replaced by all of the things that need to be completed before moving to Sweden. I was stuck in my own head and could not find a way out.
I was at work doing my morning prep list. My brain kept changing channels, and I could not focus. Next my breathing started to get faster and shallower. Then my chest tightened. I felt trapped. I could not do anything, except sit on the floor in the walk in cooler and panic. Then the cherry on top, I just began to lose it, sobbing like a baby. What was happening to me? I half thought that I was going insane and half thought that I was maybe really having a heart attack. I manager to pull it together enough to call my wife. For two reasons this seemed good to me. First if I could talk to her maybe I could sort it out, and second if I was dying I wanted to hear her voice before I was gone.
I can only imagine what her thoughts were when I called. I tried to explain to her the best I could what was happening, but I did not really know myself so I was not making myself very clear. Finally she said some things that made my mind slow down a bit, and I could focus little.
I obviously survived the ordeal and was actually able to realize I was not going crazy. I also realized through this that my wife is an amazing woman. She talked me down from my first panic attack.
I am not looking forward to having another panic attack. I have heard people talk about them before, and really did not comprehend what they were talking about. I even thought at times that these people must be ill equipped for dealing with life. I am sorry for those thoughts, and I truly apologize to anyone who has ever had one of these evil things.